Continue reading »]]> “Please, clouds, don’t rain!” Not going to work, is it?

And neither will trying to reassure someone who just can’t be reassured. They will go on fretting, no matter how you plead.

Chronic insecurity in your relationship is a major problem. Why? Because relationships really, deeply matter. Your health, your wellbeing, your happiness affected by your relationships more than any other factor. And your most intimate relationships have the biggest effect of all.

It’s not just the insecure person who suffers

Feeling insecure in a relationship is horrible for the one who is feeling the insecurity. The burden – of fear and obsessive thoughts, of feeling powerless, of awful awareness that all this insecurity may actually itself be destroying what you treasure most – can feel pretty unbearable.

But it’s also tough for the person on the receiving end of all that insecurity. The truth is that being involved with a really insecure person can be hell.

This article highlighted what a common problem insecurity is

I wrote an article a while back on overcoming insecurity in relationships and was inundated with feedback from all over the world. The scores of comments on the article itself were just the tip of the iceberg. My inbox overflowed with hundreds more private emails from people wracked by feelings of relationship insecurity.

That article, which explores the reasons for insecurity and offers practical tips to help overcome it, eventually became the springboard for the development of the new 10 steps to overcoming insecurity in relationships course. My article was mainly addressed to those who are themselves feeling insecure in a relationship; but I also got – and still get – hundreds of emails from people who have extremely insecure partners. A common recurring theme of these accounts is how isolating it can feel to find yourself in a relationship with someone who is deeply insecure. And this is one major reason why extreme insecurity can be so damaging.

Why reassuring your insecure partner is almost a lie

Because ‘reassurance’ is what insecure people want most, and anyone can say reassuring things, it’s all too easy for partners (and friends) to offer reassurances that everything is “really okay” in the relationship even when it isn’t.This is a kind of denial. And – ironically – the reasons it might not be okay are often the product of the insecurity itself.

Sometimes the only genuine problem in a relationship is the emotional insecurity of one partner and the effect that has on the relationship as a whole. But it’s easy to fall into a pattern of always pretending everything is fine, even when the insecurity becomes really damaging. Such pretense becomes isolating and can drive partners further apart. This is how insecurity can damage or even destroy the relationship.

Relationships thrive on intimacy, and intimacy stems from feeling you can safely be yourself with your partner. So what does it feel like to be in a relationship with a very insecure partner?

Worrying about relationship breakup creates it

Insecurity stemming from a fear of losing intimacy can actually bring on that loss of intimacy. Jake, a former client, described it like this:

“I actually feel totally disconnected from Sara now. She doubts my every word, doesn’t believe me when I say I’ve been working, and constantly misinterprets what I say. It’s driving me nuts! And the angrier I get, the more insecure she gets. I can’t win! I’ve tried being sympathetic, but now everything has to be on her terms, I have to ask myself all the time – is this going to upset her or not?”

Jake told me how he had started to feel very lonely in his relationship, like he had no one to talk to, because “Talking to Sara is like walking on egg shells – will I say the wrong thing? Will she take it the wrong way?”

He, like many who are close to someone so insecure, found himself getting more and more emotionally distant from Sara. He felt less able to speak to her about how he felt, and less able to relax around her. Loneliness isn’t about being alone so much as feeling alone with others – because you feel misunderstood by them – and that’s how Jake now felt with Sara. He’d begun to feel trapped, finding it hard to be around her but also hard not to be around her, because he knew how painful it was for her to be wondering where he was or whom he was with.

The painful truth is that insecurity can lead to the death of intimacy in a relationship – the fear of losing something can actually bring about that loss. Trying to force intimacy or love – demanding to know how someone feels, what they are thinking, who they’ve been talking to, what they are doing – can just drive them further from you.

So what should you do if you are in a relationship with a really insecure person?

How to tell if you have a truly insecure partner

It’s vital to figure out whether the person you are with isgenuinely excessively insecure. Some jealousy and insecurity is actually normal in most relationships from time to time – especially in the early stages. Insecure people are often insecure about their insecurity, because they instinctively know how damaging it can be. But if insecurity is a constant and central feature of the relationship then, yes, it is a problem and a potential cause of breakdown. Of course you can reassure your partner, reason with them, and be gentle and loving toward them, but it’s important not to make too many adaptations for them. This was the mistake Jake made. He had completely stopped spending any time with his friends without Sara. He rang her on the hour, every hour, when he had to work late. He told her he loved her so many times a day that it was more like a chore rather than a genuine expression of how he felt. And after a while the relationship no longer felt real to him.

If the relationship becomes all about reassuring and not upsetting the insecure partner, you and your needs get sidelined to the point that the relationship can start to feel meaningless for you. Jake and Sara’s relationship only improved once Sara herself addressed her insecurity, and learned to trust and relax more with not “having to know” what Jake was thinking or doing all the time. Her self esteem improved and, in turn, he then felt more valued, and no longer trapped or forced to behave in prescribed ways. At last he was being listened to and respected again.

If your insecure partner has enough insight to know they need to change, then you really can encourage them to make those changes that could make such a difference for both of you. Ultimately, no one should have to be constantly “on call” to their partner, or emotionally isolated by them. Good relationships are reciprocal, not one-sided. They flourish when partners trust each other, accept each other, give each other space, forgive each other for failings – and enjoy each other. You and your partner both deserve that. Read more about 10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships by Mark Tyrrell

Notes

1. See: Wikipedia entry: Exposure therapy
2. See: Wikipedia entry: Flooding

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 Are you a wallflower? Do you stand in the corner and watch other people have fun? Is life passing you by?

Shyness or social anxiety is real and more common than you would think. 40 to 45 percent of all adults in America consider themselves “shy”.   Some of these people put on a good show while others wish for the cloak of invisibility.  Or you may pray for a magic wand to give you the confidence you need to be a happy, confident, socially engaged person. 

How do you deal with your shyness?

Some people try to fake it.  And that can be effective.  Watching socially adept people and trying to act the way they do can be an effective coping tool.  And for some that is all they need.  But for others there is subsurface stress and anxiety that can destroy the enjoyment of the social encounter.  And can lead to other medical and emotional difficulties.  Just know how to act may not be enough because old beliefs and attitudes are still interfering with your life and happiness.  You see, to be truly at ease in social settings you must feel that you are equal to everyone else. To be able to inter act with people socially you need to feel you are of equal worth and that you have the same right to be there and to be heard.

Feeling that you are not worthy, that no one cares what you have to say, that you are not good enough indicates that something needs to be addressed.

 Shyness is a normal and natural.

It is a part of growing up.  It is a defensive mechanism to keep us out of dangerous situations.  It protects children from strangers; it keeps children from getting into situations that may be embarrassing or dangerous.  The problem arises when confidence and self esteem are not developed, when the social shyness becomes the pattern.  And over time that pattern becomes so ingrained that it becomes how we enter act.  Social anxiety, shyness, is a learned behavior and can be unlearned or overcome. 

I have a Free eBook: How to enjoy talking to people

All you need to know about overcoming shyness and getting conversations going smoothly.

 It can begin to get you on the right track to overcoming you social anxiety and shyness.  

Go get this FREE E-Book Here

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“That Sam-I-Am…I do not like that Sam-I-Am… I do not like Green Eggs and Ham…” 

“Would you like them HERE or THERE?” {choices & persistence}

 “I would not like them HERE or THERE, I would not like them anywhere!” {resistance}”

“Would you like them in a House”… “Would you like them with a Mouse”… “Would you like them in a box…with a fox…in a car…in a tree…on a train…in the dark…in the rain…with a goat…on a boat…?”

“I do not like green eggs and ham…I do not like them Sam-I-Am…not on a boat…not with a goat…not in the rain…not in the dark…not on a train…not in a tree…not in a car…not with a fox…not in a box…not with a mouse…not in a house…not Here or There…I do not like them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham…I do not like them… Sam-I-Am.”

“You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say.”

“Sam, If you will let me be {bargaining}. I will try them. You will see.”

 “Say! I like green eggs and ham! I do! I like them, Sam-I-Am! {shifting beliefs and self-statements} And, I would eat them in a boat…with a goat…in the rain…in the dark…on a train…in a car…in a tree…They are so good, so good you see! So I will eat them in a box…with a fox…in a house…with a mouse…I will eat them here and there…I will eat them ANYWHERE! {generalizing a new behavior to many situations}

When we are faced with making choices about one of our habits or behaviors we often resist and generalize that resistance to ALL of our behaviors and often including the person delivering the message {your doctor, loved one, etc}.

As this little story points out, persistence to change will break down resistance to change. This is true in many different situations from something as minor as changing your belief regarding the type of coffee or soda you drink to major life threatening behavior choices. Actually if you think about it, it is true even with relationship issues.

If we continue to look at the choices we have in front of us…and we have support to help hold us accountable…We too, can find that as we try new behaviors, our beliefs about that behavior changes, and too our perceptions about how we feel about that behavior.

Changing habits and beliefs can be challenging…but the coaches at Crossroads to Change can help.  Let us help you to see that persistence and good choices can break your resistance and increase your acceptance of your new and healthier choices, then you will say “I can be healthy HERE and THERE…I can be healthy ANYWHERE!”

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Anatomy of Illness written by Norman Cousins, is a book based on the true story of how this man treated his own painful illness. Cousins had a theory that there was more to the old saying, Laughter is the best medicine, than many people realize.

In modern times society has come to understand that stress has a negative impact on both physical and mental health. What is not as commonly understood is that laughter has many positive health benefits, which can counteract the negative effects of the stress response.

Laughter increases the functioning of the immune system, helping the body to fight off illness and disease. Studies have demonstrated that laughter causes the increased production of catecholamine and endorphins. These chemicals, when released by the brain into the blood stream during laughter, increase feelings of happiness and well-being.

Laughter also decreases the secretion of cortisol as well as the sedimentation rate, and therefore is beneficial in stimulating the body’s immune system.  

During laughter, the flow of Oxygen in the blood increases. Arteries relax, heart rate and blood temperature are lowered, circulation increases and the skin temperature rises. All of these physical responses have a beneficial effect on both cardiovascular and respiratory health.

Laughter has the potential to help speed healing and increase overall health and well-being, when it’s benefits are fully realized as a part of a stress management plan.

While the average human being laughs approximately 8 to 10 times daily, a stress management plan which includes laughter as a part of the daily program would include rigorous “laughing” as an exercise to be performed several times throughout the day.  

Full belly laughter, which is an involuntary response of the human brain, can be triggered by watching comedies, listening to comedians, telling jokes or just allowing oneself to participate in fun and silly activities.

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• Laugh quotes (slideshare.net)

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     Remember the first time you saw your first-born child?  You might have been amazed at her eyes, or mesmerized by the perfection of his hands.  You might have dutifully recorded the first smile, the first laughs, the first steps, the first dance.  He or she became the most important individual in your life.  When that little person came into your world, you knew that your life had changed forever.

        There is nothing quite like the joy of parenthood.  It can lift your spirits on the most miserable day.  It gives you a reason to rise in the morning, and a good excuse for blowing bubbles, catching fireflies, or gazing at a fireworks display.  When you give your child a hug at night, you know that all is right with the universe.

          However, parenthood can also be quite stressful.  There are so many demands on your time, so many commitments you need to fulfill.  Your responsibilities can leave you feeling anxious and frustrated.  If your child is sick, or is having trouble in school, or has become involved in drug or alcohol abuse, your stress level could rise to the max.

          Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to eliminate the stressors associated with parenthood.  They simply come with the territory.  While you can guide your child, you cannot expect to control him or her, particularly when your child reaches the teenage years.  Therefore, you have to learn to somehow manage the stress of parenthood before it gets the better of you.

           The most important strategy you can adopt is to keep the communication going between yourself and your child, even when it becomes difficult.  Your stress level will be greatly reduced if you can talk with your child, especially when something is bothering him or her.  It is important for your child to know that your love is unconditional, and that he or she can turn to you at any time of the day or night.  Strengthening the bond of trust can do a great deal to eliminate your stress.

           Another stress-reducing tact you can take is to set aside time to spend with your child—other than helping him or her with homework.  This is particularly important if you have more than one child.  You need some fun time with your child—to let him or her know that you care.  Plan for an afternoon of rollerskating or an evening playing checkers.  You’ll find that such relaxing activities can help to alleviate your stress.

          Also, it is important that you build into your day a break in the action.  Have your husband or wife watch the children for ten minutes while you re-group.  This is particularly important if you find yourself under so much stress that you are about to lose your temper.  Give yourself a timeout—and watch your stress level drop considerably.

         Mention needs to be made about the special stress that single parents feel.  Theirs is a difficult lot and the pressures can be intense.  That is why it is so critically important for single parents to strengthen their support systems.  They need to have a parent, brother or sister, or friend they can rely on when the stress of parenting becomes overwhelming.  Just having someone to talk to can be a tremendous stress-reliever.  In other cases, a single parent might need someone to watch his or her children for the night so that the parent can re-group.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it is indicative of great emotional strength.  If you find yourself falling apart, don’t wait for a crisis to get some assistance.  If you turn to others for support, you will find that your family unit will only grow stronger.  

          Parenting is perhaps the single greatest responsibility a person can hold.  As a result, there is a tremendous amount of stress involved.  Recognizing that fact is an important part of the parenting process.  Once you are attuned to stress—and the causes of it—you are more likely to be able to manage it well.   It is important also for you to recognize that stress management is an on-going process—that it doesn’t happen overnight.  However, with time, you can become a first-rate stress manager.

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Stress doesn’t only affect the mind; it can also have some adverse effect on your body if left unchecked. Even if we are mentally capable of doing all our tasks, there is a possibility that our body is not fit enough to cope with the burden you are subjecting it to. If you push it to the limit, then you will surely feel a breakdown that might disable you permanently.

We can never deny the fact that all of us have our limits. Like our minds, our body can only take so much until it falls apart. It is a common fact that we can do anything if we set our minds into it, but we need to realize that our body should be able to cope with what we want it to do.

Your Body And Stress

Stress affects us different depending on the state of our body. The most common ailment attributed to mental stress is headache or migraine, or even dizziness from time to time. We would also feel some minor cramps, aches and pains on our back, shoulder, or in different parts of our body when under the grip of stress.

There is also a possibility that stress can affect our body chemistry as well. Too much brain activity can lead to nausea, dizziness, diarrhea, or even constipation. There were even reports that stress is attributed to a bout of ulcer when a hyperactive body produced too much acid that can abrade the linings of your organs.

There is a chance that a person might need to go to the hospital or undergo a series of medication to remedy the problem. But if you don’t take the initiative to nip stress at the bud, then you will sure to experience the same thing all over again.

Stress And Your Behavior

A person under the grip of stress tends to act rash and outside their normal behavior. Depending on the level of stress a person is subjected to, they might have trouble sleeping or might affect their sleeping time altogether. You might no longer want to sleep in the evening since you tend to think more of your problems when you lie down in bed during the quiet of the night. Unconsciously, our bodies would slowly get sleepy during the day and remain active at night.

Stress can also affect the emotional state of the person. They will either go into depression and self-pity; or give in to their rage by venting it out on everyone they see. There were even cases that stress can drive a person berserk or permanently affect their state of mind if not properly addressed.

Stress Management 101 – Coping With Your Problems

The mind is where stress starts so it is up to you to take the necessary steps to teach your mind how to cope with your problems when they crop up. Determining the source of your stress is the first step to getting rid of it.

It is essential that a person undergoes stress management to help them relax even when they are swamped with problems. You can delve into your favorite hobby to divert your mind to help it relax. Watching movies and listening to your favorite songs is also a good idea on getting your stress level under control.

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I’ve recently run across an exciting resource that each of us could use to
improve our lives and our relationships and I couldn’t wait to share it with
you.

It’s a breakthrough downloadable series of audios, from his popular
teleclass series, based on the book written by my friend, Ken Donaldson.  
It’s titled “Marry YourSelf First!”

In these audios, Ken reveals what he has discovered as the 20 core
Principles of Passion, Power and Purpose. When these principles are
applied to your life you can overcome self-limiting patterns and create
abundant happiness, fulfillment and success in your life and relationships.

The material in these audios is a result of Donaldson’s 15+ years of clinical
counseling and coaching with thousands of individuals, couples and businesses.

And these audios are sure to inspire and motivate you!